Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers

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The emergent child – the child who is self-motivated and not driven by needs for peer contact – seems like an anomaly, irregular, a little off the beaten track. We have to give our children what they cannot give to one another: the freedom to be themselves in the context of loving acceptance – an acceptance that immature peers are unable to offer but one that we adults can and must provide” (p 126). Besides the fact that it's not like it happens overnight, and I was amazed to see how early on the seeds of peer orientation are sewn. I already know that its one of the most influential parenting books I've ever read and has been the guiding force for many of our family decisions.

Bet šī grāmata ar savu spēcīgo pamatojumu un ļoti praktiskiem padomiem ir kā glābšanas riņķis - palīdz noturēties arī tad, kad ir grūti.The last chapter on the digital age is probably the most practical, relevant, true, and hopeful information that I have come across. But what parents need to understand, Maté and Neufeld argue, is that challenging behaviours are in fact “not behavioural problems, but a relationship problem”. It gave me more of a greater confidence in my instincts as a parent, that my husband and I are vital in the development of our kids’ relational maturity, that meaningful relationships with our kids will do more good than any discipline tactic out there, and that there is no need to fear parenting through the teen years. The basic neurodevelopmental role of attachment in the establishment of natural authority is explained and the toxic influences of modern attitudes towards parenting and peer interactions on this system were carefully looked at. The authors show us how we are losing contact with our children and how this loss undermines their development and threatens the very fabric of society.

August 15th: Rereading it, I can see how much this work has actually influenced so many of my parental decisions. Ouch, I don't want my kids to live to please anyone elses, not even a parent, they should be allowed to build a self esteem from their young age. Together they pinpoint the causes of this breakdown and offer practical advice on how to 'reattach' to sons and daughters, establish the hierarchy at home, make children feel safe and understood, and earn back your children's loyalty and love.It took years for his daughter to turn to him for advice, “which would have been the natural thing for her to do all along,” he says. A few pages later he even mention divorce as another thing predisposing children to turn to their peers; also as a fault of our culture. When I started teaching middle school at the ripe age of twenty-one, I noticed immediately that children just didn’t know how to appreciate the past. Unfortunately we cannot have it both ways…we need to learn to parent in harmony with this design rather than fight against it” (p 66). They seek the unconditional love that other immature children cannot give them, and when they don't get it the results are anger, suicide, self-mutilation, alcohol and drug consumption, and just about every other ill that is plaguing the youth of today.

It is easier than I supposed for kids to become "unattached" to their parents, but then on the flip side it shouldn't be too hard to get them back if you catch this early. To help them attach to other positive adults rather than to a bunch of peers you know nothing about and that they want to leave your company to spend every waking minute with. Polarization occurs in relationships, which explains why youth shun their parents when they attach to their peers. Some of it's aspect may lead to agressive behaviour, but my belief is that it's true reason is the missing of connection.We are robbing our children (and ourselves) when we push them too quickly out into the world without giving them something to hold onto -- US!