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And, again, for many folks in our audience, whether it’s Marie or other people who have that natural fix-it kind of tendency or who feel like they have to go in and rescue or take care of everyone or do the things, how does this phrase work out with retaining your own boundaries for yourself? And it doesn’t lead us to peace and it doesn’t lead us to freedom, and it doesn’t lead us to allowing other people the space and the grace to live their lives and take care of themselves.
Terri Cole: Well, first thing, the reason why I even wrote it that way and started doing this with my clients was that women would come in to see me, and I would ask them, you know, “What is your preference about this and what brings you joy? You will have such a desire to be like, “I was only kidding, forget it, I can work overtime or I can take your shift or I can do the thing I said I wasn’t going to do,” even though you’re like bitching to your friends about how entitled Betty is and I can’t believe Betty would ask me to do that again. Terri has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and then actionable, so that clients and students achieve sustainable change--that is, true transformation. I'm definitely a better person - and certainly more true to myself - after implementing some of Terri's strategies.And then you kind of think about as you go to the outer circles of your life, the colleagues, the acquaintances, the whoever you see on the street, you know, these things, we have to be willing to navigate them in different ways. But what I wanted to say one thing that you said about the notion that asking someone something or for what you want even if you’re not sure what they’re going to say that that was something that I learned from Ruth that was so profound. I actually, I’m going to interrupt you to read that because it’s so genius and then we’ll go right back to you. This can give us a very similar result to where we set the start/end constraint to ‘Normal To Profile’ within the loft. You see I thought it was yet another book about individualistic ideology where any acts of service I do for the sake of God are seen as me being in an unhealthy attachment to the creation of God.
I don’t love the whole thing with people being like, “You know, I’ll tell you the truth,” and I always feel like that’s someone who’s got a little sadistic streak and can’t wait to tell you how bad your new haircut is. It doesn't matter what the presenting problem is–divorce, money, addiction–every single presenting problem connects back to the all-important skill set of boundary setting. This is intended to help you know who you are, to help you identify what's not okay with you, and to give you the ability to speak it. Instead, we hide our feelings behind passive-aggressive behavior, deny our own truths, or push our emotions down until we get depressed or so frustrated that we explode, potentially destroying hard-won trust and relationships.Her book masterfully engages the reader’s heart and mind, while arming and empowering their decisions to rise above their lifelong boundary-setting limitations. Direction 2’ in a Boundary Boss Base is very similar to selecting guide curves in a loft when creating a solid. For example, if they say that they already reserve dinner at an Italian restaurant, you say you don’t feel about Italian, and suggest to go Japanese restaurant instead.
My biggest problem with boundaries is giving certain people what they want and then resenting them for not allowing me with an opportunity to say no to them. Terri is a straight-talking psychotherapist who knows how to get us from unhealthy compromise to loving engagement. Regardless of if this is true, the author is clearly still bitter about these situations and has not healed enough from them to deliver the story in a compassionate way, owning up to her own responsibility in the situation.And part of it is really looking at your life experiences and that there is something in there for us. Like once you say the words, because in the beginning, you feel like, “Oh, my gosh, I can’t,” then when you see all the scripts, you’re like, “Oh, my gosh, I can,” because I included a lot of ones that would be perfect for you that are funny. And if something were happening, and Vic need or anybody, if I’m with anybody and if we’re talking and you pick up your phone, I will say it nicely, “I’ll wait until you’re done. You have the right to be treated with respect, consideration, and you have the right to determine who has the privilege of being in your life.
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